Dear Kathy,

I’m a 42-year-old female Executive Director, and have had some great success in my field (financial services). But I still struggle every day with the communication styles and behavioral approaches of my colleagues, and how they clash with my own. I’m in a predominantly male office, and I feel bypassed, not really listened to, and marginalized because of the way I speak, present and pitch my ideas or argue for something. I’ve been given feedback that I’m quiet and overly-humble, but I’m not comfortable tooting my own horn or walking over others in order to get my point across or claim credit for ideas.

Can you suggest any strategies to alter my style so it fits in better with my male colleagues and brings more success? And do I even need to change, or is it simply discrimination I’m facing?

Thank you for your help,
Jacklyn

Dear Jacklyn,

Thank you for sharing this challenge, which is so much more common that you know. There has been so much written about the differences in communication style between men and women, and where these differences come from. It’s an indisputable fact – women and men are different in core ways, grounded in their neurobiology and their societal and cultural training. (Check out Dr. Louann Brizendine’s books The Female Brain and The Male Brain and this article as a start, on how men and women’s brains differ.)

While it would be wrong to over-generalize, and paint all men or all women with the same brush, I’ve found that in corporate America and in the entrepreneurial world (which remains largely male-dominated at the leadership levels), the differences in women’s style, approach, communication, decision making, leadership values, focus and “energy,” are not at all understood or valued. Many organizations still make women “wrong” (consciously or subconsciously) for their priorities and styles that clash with the dominant culture.

I have seen too that there remains a good amount of gender bias and discrimination in corporate and entrepreneurial arenas, some overt, but much of it unconscious. Sadly, bias is bias: It has the same negative, damaging effect, whether we’re aware of what we’re doing to others or not.??

Rather than scouring the radar constantly for where we’re being discriminated against, I’ve found (after working with over 11,000 women in 11 years) that it’s more productive and beneficial to focus on powering up your communications and your approach so that you can say what needs to be said, powerfully, authoritatively and compellingly. Only then, can you build the collaboration and support you need for your ideas, views and initiatives to be heard and recognized, and finally, become an integral part of the leadership team and of the critical contributions being made in business and the world.

To answer your question simply – yes. There is gender bias and yet it won’t work to throw up your hands and give into it. Please don’t get me wrong – if you’re being discriminated against, you do need to take a stand (and seek legal counsel if you feel you have a case and want to fight it).

But the core question is: What’s the best way to deal with institutionalized bias? I’d suggest that it works best when we become more empowered — each and every one of us — so that we’re able to deal with the challenges head on in a more proactive and powerful way.

I’ve seen that the key communication challenges professional women face are:

Not taking credit where credit is due.

Women are typically reluctant to stand up and take credit for what they’ve accomplished, achieved and initiated. They often say “we” did this, or credit the team and other players rather than claiming “I” made this happen.  Men in general are simply not as reluctant to state what they’ve accomplished in terms that make it clear who achieved the desired results and put them in a “one-up” position. If you can’t speak powerfully and compellingly about your accomplishments, I guarantee that no one else will. For help to speak more powerfully about who you are and what you’ve done, check out Peggy Klaus’ great work and book on how to brag without the backlash.

The reality is that you if can’t speak confidently and clearly about what you personally are great at, what makes you special and stand out from the competition, and the important, unique achievements and contributions you’ve made in your professional life, you’ll struggle to create the opportunities for growth and impact that you long for.

Taking things too personally.

This may be unpopular to say, but I’ve seen over and over again in my coaching work that professional women tend to ruminate on particular interpersonal dynamics and goings-on at work, taking things personally and experiencing them with deep emotionality and self-recrimination or doubt, rather than processing through the challenges analytically and neutralizing their emotions.

I’m not suggesting here that women become less emotional overall. I’m recommending that, in the workplace, women become more comfortable critically examining what’s occurring around them from a more neutral, expansive, and balanced perspective, so that their responses can be as empowered as possible, taking into account all key factors and influences. If we operate from an excess of emotionality or self-doubt, we compromise our ability to make effective decisions and take action from a more centered, leadership-oriented stance.  (Here’s more about effective decision making that moves you forward and how men and women differ in their decision making approach.)

Negotiating effectively for what they deserve and need.

Studies from the past have shown that, out of the gate, men negotiate for salary, benefits, position, and responsibility significantly more than women. One study revealed that 57% of men negotiate for their first salaries, while only 7% of women do.

Yet a recent study out of Australia revealed that women do ask for raises just as frequently  as men, but women don’t get them as often. There are many cultural and societal factors that impact this phenomenon, and interestingly, the data revealed that Millennial women were more successful on this front than older women (perhaps because more Millennial women see themselves as the breadwinner.) Yet today, it’s been found that women’s perceived competency and value drop substantially (compared with men’s) when they are deemed forceful or assertive.

Another study showed that women who advocate for others receive a more positive response than when they advocate for themselves. Our society likes that, apparently.  So it seems that our world doesn’t yet respond well yet to women who are forceful on their own behalf.

I’ve witnessed firsthand as a corporate Vice President and one who’s hired a good number of professionals and consultants in my adult life, that much of women’s reluctance to negotiate and ask for what they want and deserve is influenced by 1) their inherent and conditioned goals around communication, 2) their fears of being judged negatively or being seen as boastful or pushy, and 3) the push back they’ve previously faced when they have stood up for themselves and asked.

To combat this, it’s vitally important that women learn how to speak up for what they want, and not back down. Yes they may be judged initially. But I’ve seen that when women learn how to make a compelling and irrefutable case for what they want and need – with facts, data and statistics — the results are positive. And when they advocate for themselves with confident language that uplifts, engages, and convinces, and when they present their case with an unwavering belief in its rightness (as they would if they were advocating for others), the resistance evaporates.

Obtaining sponsors who can influence growth.

Research has shown that men are naturally more drawn than women to finding sponsors – individuals at the organization who are at higher levels who have influence and power, and can advocate for you and support your growth and ascension.  Mentorship – receiving feedback and help from successful, knowledgeable colleagues — is important for women, certainly, but sponsorship is essential.  Finding mentors who can also sponsor and elevate you, who have the power to bring you forward and help you advance when you’re not in the room, is key. You need to build sponsorship into your community and tribe so that you can achieve the exposure necessary to thrive and grow.

Obtaining sponsors who can influence growth.

Research has shown that men are naturally more drawn than women to finding sponsors – individuals at the organization who are at higher levels who have influence and power, and can advocate for you and support your growth and ascension.  Mentorship – receiving feedback and help from successful, knowledgeable colleagues — is important for women, certainly, but sponsorship is essential.  Finding mentors who can also sponsor and elevate you, who have the power to bring you forward and help you advance when you’re not in the room, is key. You need to build sponsorship into your community and tribe so that you can achieve the exposure necessary to thrive and grow.

Self-confidence and presence.

Finally, your body language, confidence and poise under fire can make or break your ability to advance and succeed in the workplace. We all have what I call “power gaps” – areas in which we feel “less than,” where our energy drains out of our bodies and spirits, making us feel less capable, confident, courageous and powerful than we want to be.

Women, I’ve found, beat themselves up more about their power gaps – they make themselves wrong and feel more shame and vulnerability about their “dirty little secrets” and power gaps than men do. One key to achieving greater professional and personal success is to get out of denial about what isn’t working in your life and career – to uncover your power gaps, address them bravely, and work committedly to close them.

Whatever you feel you are missing, go after it: gain it, achieve it and claim it. If you need more knowledge or training, go out and get it. If you feel ashamed at a large error you made at work, don’t bury it but rectify it. Do what you can to close your “power gaps” and communicate powerfully and in ways that demonstrate your contributions, talents and impact.

So, Jacklyn, is there gender bias and discrimination? Without question, there is. But younger generations will obliterate it, and Millennials are already making inroads to that. In the meantime, it’s up to each of us (men and women) to do all we can to revise it, move forward through it, and speak up and operate in the world with more power and confidence — without resistance, shame or fear.

I hope this is helpful.

All best wishes to you,
Kathy

Read the original article on Forbes.